The #1 Mistake for Leaving Your Marriage

Photograph by Azrul Aziz

I know you.

For a long time, you’ve been feeling miserable in your life and marriage. You’re playing around with the idea of leaving your spouse, but you’re hesitating, perhaps hoping your relationship will get better and you’ll feel happy again. To be honest, you’re not sure it will or even if you want it to. Then, a dangling carrot in the form of an attractive person presents themselves. Someone, you tell yourself, who makes it utterly and inexplicably compelling for you to leave your marriage.

That someone.

Where did you meet this someone? At the gym, at work or a coffee shop? Maybe on your night out with friends? Are they the parent of one of the children your child plays with on a team? Or an old mutual friend of you and your spouse?

As tricky or complicated as it might be, I’m guessing this someone is showing an interest in you, and it feels amazing. You recognize old feelings you haven’t felt in your marriage for a long time. You feel attractive again. Wanted. You begin emailing or texting this person. You fantasize about and are seriously contemplating a physical affair.

Now you start to argue with yourself. Part of you knows this is risky, and that it could end your marriage quickly. But you are pulled by an endorphin high every time you think of them, or spend time with them. To justify this possible choice and decision, you tell yourself that they aren’t the reason you’re deciding to divorce. It’s your bad marriage. You try to imagine a future with them, no matter how improbable. You want the relationship you’ve never had. You’ve decided this someone holds the promise for everything.

And then you leave your marriage, and it all plays out.

Why is leaving your marriage for another person a mistake?

It’s fraught with problems that your love-starved, unhappy self might not see, like the fact that:

• You’re jumping into something subconsciously hoping to be rescued in some way.
• You aren’t taking the time to get okay on your own and get clarity in your life.
• Your grieving of your marriage is getting confusingly mixed into this uncertain love affair.
• It’s setting you up for possible heartache during a very vulnerable time.
• You’re setting unrealistic expectations for this new relationship and your life.
• Just like you, this person has baggage and complications of their own. Their baggage becomes your baggage. It can get heavy!

Dangling carrots are just that – dangling.

They are illusory, offered with a condition, and certainly not to be trusted. You can emotionally attach to this someone, and it can feel very real. Remember that you’re not thinking clearly. You may leave your marriage, and suddenly this someone is no longer around. This person can be a version of your worst mistake.

I know you because I was you.

I was in an unhappy, emotionally abusive marriage and I made the tempting choice of going for the carrot. That experience added so much heartache to an already difficult time of getting divorced.

You may have already decided you want to divorce. But is the carrot giving you the impetus to do it? Is it providing an unhealthy distraction? It’s important to get your head clear and understand what’s happening. You want to be sure you’re leaving your marriage based on sound, thought out decisions of your own. Not for this someone.

These transitional relationships rarely end in marriage, and if so, have a high probability of divorce. It’s important to see them for what they are. Some people say the dangling carrot is meant to lead you out of a door you should be walking through and closing. That might be true in the bigger picture.

If divorce is what you’ve decided, it’s important to leave your marriage having a clear head and clear intentions.

Not because you met someone with false illusions and promises.

If you’re in need of support and are interested in seeking therapy, please feel free to contact me. I’d love to help you manifest a happy, meaningful and authentic life.