Are you beginning your new life and feeling a bit lost, wondering how or if you can have a happy life?
There are 10 golden rules for starting your new life after a divorce.
When it comes to setting up your new life, MINDSET is everything.
There is no rule book for how to construct your life after a divorce. You may feel as if you’re traveling through an undiscovered land. Everything looks and feels so different, and your emotions may be running high. Depending on your unique experience, you may have started out feeling angry, bitter and resentful, or you might be feeling excited about your future. Or somewhere in between.
The divorce mindset trap.
Many women fall into the trap of letting their divorce define them, and in turn, the rest of their lives. How do they do this? In many different ways. Some hold the weight of guilt and shame or punish themselves with unkind thoughts. You might believe that you’re unlovable if your spouse left the marriage, or you may carry the baggage of old grudges and resentments. Over time, this creates a mindset that becomes the lens through which you view your life.
Create a mindset for success.
No matter how you ended up on this path toward a new life, the direction you decide to travel is something for which you have to take full responsibility. Whether you end up in Happy Valley or Bitterness Township is up to you. Life is long, and yours is precious. You can refuse to let your divorce rob you of a happy life. So, how can you begin to set yourself free?
Get help and support early.
Seek out help from a good therapist or support group. Process your feelings and work through what happened. A good therapist will help you heal and learn how to look at your experience from a place that empowers you. There are time-tested methods to help you change your mindset from experiencing your life through lack and negativity to realizing an abundant and joyous one.
A large part of your success is driven by the mindset created by these principles, or golden rules.
Here are 10 golden rules for starting your new life after a divorce:
1. Take responsibility for your life
Marriages are complicated. No matter what happened in yours, both partners have culpability. Explore and learn to take responsibility for your part. Sometimes things happen, and marriages end. You are not responsible for your spouse’s actions, but you can learn from your own and acknowledge that it’s now up to you to build a new life.
2. Exercise self-compassion
It’s kind of a cool thing that when you begin to take responsibility for your life, you can also begin to extend self-compassion towards yourself for being human. Perfect people don’t exist. You did your best with what you had at any given time. Put down the stick you beat yourself up with, rid the negative and unkind self-talk, and begin to embrace self-compassion.
3. Learn to be okay on your own
Living on your own is very challenging for some, understandably. Many of you may have gone from your childhood home to your married home and perhaps have never lived by yourself. Learning to be okay on your own enhances your self-confidence and well-being. The beneficial impact is one of those well-kept secrets. You’ll become empowered in many ways you can’t imagine, and life will become joyous. Hard to believe? IT’S TRUE.
4. Always be your best friend
Do you treat yourself with less kindness and empathy than you would your best friend? It’s time you give yourself the same kindness, respect, and consideration – both in thought and in deed. It’s wonderful being treated respectfully by the one person from whom it matters most – YOU.
5. Recognize there are no failures, only lessons
Begin to look back at your life and see where every challenge has provided you opportunities to learn and grow. Your divorce is no different. People don’t tend to grow when life is sailing smoothly along. Divorce provides the fertile ground for your personal transformation to a better life.
6. Trust your inner knowing
Your intuition, or gut instinct, may or may not be something you’ve tapped into or given much attention. You may have even ignored it in the past. Now is the time to tune into your inner knowing. It never lets you down, it never lies to you, and it’s a voice within you with much history and information. It’s there to get your attention, to explore and to trust.
7. Eliminate self-limiting beliefs
No matter what stage of life you find yourself in, it’s never too late to begin again. Japanese climber Tamae Watanabe became the oldest woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest at the age of 73 years old. At 49, Julia Child published her book, “Mastering the Art of French Cooking.” And at 95, Nola Ochs became the oldest person to receive a college diploma. Okay, enough examples, but I hope you get the gist.
8. Align your life with your values
Values can change over the years. Identify what your values are today and live by them. Part of creating an authentic life is living true to what you value, and to what has meaning for you.
9. Have adventures and expand your world
Adventures broaden your perspective and open you up to the world and new ideas. They provide a perspective on your life and your challenges that will help you to manage them positively.
10. Give yourself permission to be happy!
Believe it or not, some people do not do this easily. I for one can relate to this. Whether you suffer from deep seated guilt or have learned as a child not to value happiness, I hope you will work through this, so it is no longer your struggle. Happiness, play, and joy make life worth living. You deserve to live a life of contentment.
If you follow these golden rules, not only will you have a happy life, you will be well on your way to realizing your best life!
Hi, my name is Jamie Daniel-Farrell. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Westlake Village, CA. Specializing in couples counseling and divorce recovery, I provide counseling services for individuals and couples who are motivated to create healthier, happier lives and relationships. If you're ready to break out of unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I would be happy to help! Please feel free to reach out or to call me at: