The 3 Pivotal First Years After Divorce

“The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and the fears, the clinging and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit.” ~ Jack Kornfield

It’s hard to fully understand the emotional process of separation and divorce unless you have been through it. I would argue that its emotional impact is no less than that of having experienced the death of a loved one. Perhaps it is more complicated because this particular loved one is still alive. The pain of emotional recovery is unique to everyone but escapes no one. When you step into the sea of divorce, you must ride the waves, feeling the power of a natural force you cannot control. It’s the mother of all the healing journeys you will take. If you do the work on yourself, it can be transformative in creating a beautiful new life.

I like to break down this recovery into the first three pivotal years following the divorce: the turbulent first year, the formative second year and the triumphant third year.

The Turbulent First Year

During the first year, you might feel as if you’re walking in a fog. You can’t see clearly, nor very far ahead. You can feel as if you are a puppet, and something else is manipulating the strings. You’re confident you might float away. If only someone would tie weights around your ankles and help you feel anchored. Feelings of depression and anxiety come into play. You may lose sleep and experience weight loss. During this year, you’re going through the legal and physical process of breaking up. The family is restructuring, and you might be relocating. Through all this transition and the need to make important decisions, you are managing the pain of anger, fear, resentment, betrayal, and sadness. At times it can feel too much to bear. Here’s where you need to begin to do the work on yourself. You may not know where to turn or how to start. Seeing a therapist who specializes in divorce recovery and visiting a support group are two great places to start.

The Formative Second Year

Traditional wisdom tells us that it takes approximately one month for every year you were married to heal. As you pass the one year mark, you are still in the healing process, but sometimes the edges around the pain have softened. Your divorce may be finalized during this year. The family is beginning to adjust to the changes. You start to enjoy new adventures. You might be trying your hand at dating again. Take care: this is still a vulnerable year. Some jump into relationships and find they are not ready or are carrying hearts that have little room for possible heartbreak. Protect your tender heart, continue to heal and do the work. Enjoy the incredible journey of discovering who you are again.

The Triumphant Third Year

If you were married a long time, it could take about three years to feel somewhat stable in yourself. If you’re working on yourself, your heart is healing, and you are beginning to know who you are. The stress of the legal process is over. You’re making smarter choices for yourself after spending the second year trying new and different things. You are more apt to be ready for a relationship again and are envisioning a new direction for your life. You begin to feel stable and centered.

It’s possible we never fully heal from divorce. That part of your life will always be with you. It has made you who you are today. You’ll know you’ve arrived at healthy healing when you’ve processed through all the feelings and aren’t triggered by past events; forgiven your ex and yourself for being human; view your time together as full of great lessons and growth; you let go of the past, and accept and embrace a whole new life that is waiting.

Now, go and do the work. An amazing life is on the other side.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.