4 Barriers to Finding Happiness After Your Divorce

Photograph by Chad Madden

“The day you decide that you are more interested in being aware of your thoughts than you are in the thoughts themselves – that is the day you will find your way out.” ~ Michael Singer

Several years ago while going through a painful divorce, I kept hearing everyone talk about “getting to the other side” of divorce. Supposedly, on the “other side” lie joy, contentment, peace of mind and a positive vision of your future. Impatient as I am, I couldn’t wait to get there. I tried to be a good student while going through the process. I wrote in my journal, went to therapy, practiced forgiveness and worked hard to come to a place of acceptance. Much of it worked, and while I began to feel measurably better over time, little remnants remained. What I came to understand about getting to the “other side” is that you must first make the important choice to get there, and then you must continue to work at it every single day. It isn’t as simple as the old saying, “Time heals everything.” It’s using the time to make a conscious choice to move forward and being very disciplined about doing the necessary work.

Here are four areas where people can get stuck when trying to move on with their lives:

1. Anger and Resentment

Studies show it is impossible to have a feeling without first having a thought. How we feel is organic to how we think. Many people feel wronged in the circumstances leading to their divorce. Sometimes they continue to have a caustic relationship with their ex-spouse. It’s understandable that feelings of anger and resentment would build up. After some time, when you have processed your feelings of anger, it becomes necessary to make the conscious effort to move out of these toxic feelings so you can move on with your life. Moving out of the toxicity of anger requires that one first become aware of their thoughts. Where do you go in your head when you feel angry? What are things you are saying to yourself? Once you separate yourself from your thoughts and become their observer, you can learn to become the master of your mind. You can reframe an old, negative thought into a more healing, compassionate one.

2. Shame and Self-Judgment

Shame is an internal feeling of having done something wrong. Self-judgment follows, and your thoughts can become intrusive, punishing and self-defeating. Many people who go through divorce suffer feelings of shame, remorse, and guilt. “How could I do that to my children?” “I’m the only person in my family to divorce.” “I’m such a failure.” Becoming aware of these painful thoughts is the first step toward healing. Do you want to stay stuck in these self-defeating thoughts? Or do you want to heal and move forward? If you picked the latter, visually remove the scarlet letter “D” of divorce from your forehead and begin to reframe those thoughts to more self-compassionate ones. Forgiving yourself is vital to healing and moving forward.

3. Inability to Forgive and Let Go

Forgiveness is first a choice one must make to move past divorce. It is a long process that requires awareness, patience, and commitment. Forgiveness is not about forgetting how you were wronged in your marriage. Forgiveness is learning to reframe your thoughts about your ex-spouse allowing you to view them with compassion rather than through the lens of anger. Forgiveness is the greatest act of self-love because you are freeing yourself up to have positive, kind thoughts that allow you to feel joy and happiness again. Making the shift from negative thoughts about your ex to kind thoughts will change your life. One must first learn to forgive before one can let go.

4. Living in The Past

Many folks can get stuck in their past – carrying their baggage full of anger, old resentments, and regrets into their future. They unpack these bags and put the contents into every future relationship they have. Deciding to let go of the past is a choice one must make. Once enough time has passed, and you have processed your feelings about your divorce, it might be a chance to stop looking in the rear-view mirror of your life and decide to look forward. The past is the past – it cannot be changed or done over. Ever. Choosing to focus on what was right about the marriage, and identifying what you learned from it to better your life, is where your thoughts will serve you best and allow you to move on.

You can move past your divorce and live a happier, healthier life. It begins with a choice and commitment to achieve the end goal: of getting through your divorce with a life transformed. It requires developing an awareness of your thoughts and the lens through which you view and experience life. Discovering that you can become the observer of your thoughts, rather than defined by them is key. You can choose to redefine your beliefs, decide what thoughts you will focus your time and energy on, and in the end, realize a beautiful life. Personal growth often comes from the most painful experience. There is an amazing life waiting for you, on the other side.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.