4 Ways Divorce Impacts the Nuclear Family

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“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.” ~Anthony Brandt

The impact of divorce on the nuclear family is something you might consider while in the process, but cannot fully understand until you are a few years out. It has to do with sharing time with the children, missed moments and resources available. It can take time for ex-partners to establish a routine of custody, shared holidays and birthdays. Whatever you set up, it never feels right because you no longer have access to your children 24/7. This impact continues well after the children have grown. Now they become responsible for deciding when and with whom they will spend valued time, and the perception can shift to feelings of guilt and self-blame if they appear to choose more time with one parent than the other.

1. Two Houses

Sometimes after divorce, one parent may keep the originally shared home while the other parent moves into a smaller rental. There is a perceived advantage for the former parent as the children prefer to be in the comfortable surrounds of their childhood home.  Tasks once shared between the parents now become the sole responsibility of one parent during their time with the children. This creates a challenge when juggling work, caring for the children and keeping up the home. Job promotions that require travel or long hours can be jeopardized or turned down, shaping careers and future financial security. It’s an agonizing choice for parents when they are forced to choose between a job and financial security, or time with their children.

 2. Economic Inequity

In most cases, one parent earns a higher income than the other. Depending on their financial settlement, alimony and child support payments can make both partners financially strained. Negotiating payments for the children’s expenses now become grounds for stress and arguments, with little empathy for the lower earning parent. Children may experience more opportunities with the wealthier parent creating what feels like an unbalance. The old saying, “Life isn’t fair” was never truer. But so is the saying, “Money can’t buy love.”

3.  Separate Holidays, Birthdays and Celebrations

Parents often attempt to split time with the children over the holidays or rotate every other year leaving one parent alone, feeling empty, depressed and uncomfortable. Birthdays are celebrated by both parents separately, and celebrations for big events like school graduations are hassled over. Traditions shared together might be continued by one parent or the other, or abandoned altogether. Things sure feel and look different.

4. Unshared Life Events

With shared custody or time split between the two homes, each parent will certainly miss out on certain milestones the children experience, such as learning to ride a bike, losing their first tooth or getting their driver’s license. The left out parent learns about it after it’s happened, but is not part of that experience in the child’s memory. This has an impact on bonding, creating a feeling of distance between the parent and child. This can continue into adult life, especially if grandchildren come into the picture.

How to Cope

The end of the nuclear family is a big part of the impact of divorce. It plays out over time in countless little ways and big ways, both for the children and their parents. Parents may remarry, and blended families may come into the mix. The new landscape after divorce creates further distance between a parent and their children. It can leave us feeling that something isn’t right, that something is missing. There are ways to lessen the impact:

• Maintain contact with the child on your week off
• Celebrate the missed milestone when the child returns
• Create new traditions for your kids in your home
• Plan inexpensive outings together, creating shared memories
• Take an active interest in the children during your time together

During this difficult transition and adjustment, it’s important to remember that your kids will always have only ONE mother and ONE father. You are important, and you matter to your kids. You cannot be replaced or diminished. To be happy in this new order, you must readjust your expectations, let go of what was and accept what is. You can redefine and create a new way of being in the world with your children.

Brave Hearts. Honor your courage. Honor Your Knowing.