Are you newly divorced and adjusting to being a single parent?

Being a parent is challenging enough, but add a divorce to the mix, and you’ve got a recipe for self-doubt, guilt, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed. Whether it’s the adjustment of becoming a single parent, concern about your children’s well-being or wondering when or how you can create a new life of your own, it feels like you’re winging it most of the time.

As a parent, I’ve tripped up so many times since my divorce. But one thing I’ve learned is that over time, you’ll feel more confident in your new role as a single mom or dad. We all wish we could be “perfect” parents. But let’s be real: divorce is hard as hell. Having to learn things the hard way is something we all have in common.

Here are five mistakes I see newly divorced parents make when trying to find their way after a divorce:

1. Putting Your Children in the Middle

Putting your kids in the middle includes confiding or leaning on them, passing messages back and forth to your ex, or badmouthing your ex. Children fare better in divorce when there is little conflict between their parents. They love you both and don’t want to be in a position to take sides. If you need to process any residual anger, sadness or anxiety from your marriage ending, it’s best to seek help from a therapist.

2. Grilling Your Kids About Your Ex

Do you question your children about your ex? Do you try to get details about their life, learn what they talk about, what they spend time on, and press for more information on topics from A to Z? Grilling them about your ex and their new life is putting your children in the middle again, and creating an unhealthy triangle.

3. Competing With Your Ex

Have you learned about something your ex is doing for the children and find yourself wanting to match it by offering a similar reward? Do you worry your ex might be one-upping you and winning over the affections of your children? Settling into a healthy new life after divorce includes parenting the way you would have if you’d stayed married. Your kids love you both. It’s not a competition.

4. Becoming a “Disneyland” Parent

Are you planning vacation type activities with your child when you have them? Do you refrain from being the disciplinarian when needed, but act more like the fun friend? Becoming a Disneyland parent is born of feeling guilt about the divorce, not seeing your children as much as you used to, and not wanting to use the little time you’re with them to be about rules. Children thrive when there are structure and standards. Putting them in a position of being your friend rather than the child doesn’t serve them or you well.

5. Introducing a Romantic Interest Too Soon

Are you newly divorced and bringing a romantic interest home to meet the kids? Bringing a romantic partner into their lives too soon adds confusion and difficulty when your children are adjusting to their new lives and two households. It’s understandable you might want to be dating again. Try to keep that part of your life separate from the children while everyone is adjusting. A revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends isn’t helpful.

If you’re actively doing any of these things, it’s never too late to make adjustments. There is no school for how to be a single parent in the world. You’ll make decisions driven by your emotional wants and needs, and guilt. The first step is to exercise self-compassion and understand that you can improve your current situation. Counseling can help you manage through the painful leftovers, and get you back to feeling confident about yourself. You can develop a healthy life of your own AND be a loving and consistent parent for your children. I’m rooting for you!