5 Ways to Exercise Self-Compassion in The Wake of Divorce

“For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true, not for a moment, that shame leads to love. Only love leads to love.” ~ Geneen Roth

The Definition of Self-Compassion

Recently during one of my divorce recovery workshops, the topic turned to self-compassion as an essential element to the healing process while experiencing a divorce. After much discussion and deliberation about the topic, the group admitted they were still confused by the concept. Their confusion appeared to exemplify what seems to be difficult for many people: the ability to harness and integrate self-compassion and self-love.

The best way to comprehend and incorporate self-compassion is to understand that it is no different from having compassion for others. First, to have compassion for others, you must notice that they are suffering. Second, empathy involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain. When this happens, you feel warmth, caring and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another, it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you’re having a difficult time, when you feel you’ve failed, or when you notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of ignoring the pain around these moments, you instead stop and tell yourself, “this is tough right now. How can I comfort and care for myself at this time?”

Self-compassion is about making healthy changes in your life because you care about yourself and want what is best for you. Self-compassion is not about self-pity or self-indulgence. Rather, it is accepting all your faults, challenges and weaknesses without judging or criticizing yourself. It is realizing that no one is perfect and that others share similar faults and weaknesses as you do. It is arriving at a balanced perspective of oneself – accepting your strengths and weaknesses.

Practicing self-compassion is a healing and useful tool during divorce recovery. There are plenty of challenges, bumps in the road, mistakes we feel we have made and self-recrimination going on through such a difficult time.

Here are five exercises you can use to love yourself through the process.

1. Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness is a technique where you learn to pull yourself into the present moment – out of yesterday or tomorrow, but into right here, right now. Locate yourself in a quiet place before you begin. Then start by focusing on your breathing, in and out, taking nice, calming, deep breaths. As you breathe and pull yourself into the present moment, pay attention to the sounds, smells, and the feeling in your body. Is it tense or relaxed? Breathe and kindly notice. Turn to your thoughts. Are they full of anger, fear, self-doubt or criticism? Breathe and accept these feelings. Without judging yourself, simply notice all that is going on around you. Begin to feel your body relax. Practice this for about five minutes to start and slowly increase your time to ten minutes.

2. Non-Judgmental Acceptance

An important component of self-compassion is non-judgmental acceptance of oneself. It knows that you are part of common humanity – that everyone suffers failures, losses and has made mistakes. It is a fundamental knowing that perfection does not exist and that you are lovable just as you are. As you go through the divorce process, know that many people have experienced similar feelings and losses, made mistakes, criticized themselves and self-doubted. As you experience the roller coaster of emotions, acceptance is only noticing them while telling yourself, “I am going through a difficult time. This is hard for me.” “Others have made mistakes. I do many things right, too.” Do you hear the loving kindness in those examples?

3. Monitoring Your Internal Dialogue

Studies show that the brain tends toward a negative bias. It more commonly remembers the negative things we experience than the positive things. Add to that the critical self-voice that just loves to beat us up and blame us for everything. Self-compassion is about taking responsibility for our actions while using a kinder voice to ourselves. It is valuable to spend some time learning the origins of your “critical voice.”  Did it come from a parent or teacher, or perhaps from cultural messages? You can learn to monitor your thoughts through mindfulness. Pay attention to the critical voice. What is it saying? Without judging, notice it’s harshness and blaming. Understand from where it came. Begin to reframe those thoughts and turn your self-voice into a loving, non-blaming one.

4. Little Acts of Kindness

Self-compassion involves treating oneself to acts of kindness. It is doing thoughtful, warm and considerate things for oneself, such as planning to make yourself your favorite meal, go and see your favorite movie or go on a field trip to your favorite art gallery. Kindness is being mindful of your energy level, especially when going through a divorce. Making sure you get enough rest, eat healthy foods and exercise. It is seeking the support of trusted friends or family when you need it most, and when to keep hurtful people out of your experience. With all that you are going through, take special care to carve out time for yourself to breathe and relax.

5. Taking a Self-Compassion Break

During the process of divorce recovery, taking a self-compassion break means scheduling time out of your day, whether purposefully planned or at the moment, to be kind, warm and loving to yourself. It is easy to get off-center when going through such an emotionally difficult time.

Find a quiet, serene spot, whether indoors or outdoors. Plant both feet on the ground, close your eyes and take several deep, calming breaths. Find the place on your body that is comforted by a loving gesture. It could be putting both hands on your chest, feeling the warmth and beating of your heart. Or perhaps it is putting both hands on your abdomen. Or cradling yourself with a self-hug. Practice these and find the one that most comforts you. As you give yourself the loving gesture, tell yourself kind, supportive thoughts. “You had a tough day.” “Look at how strong and courageous you are.” “You are doing the very best that you can, one day at a time.” Think of thought that is relevant and comforting to you. Take these self-compassion breaks as often as you need them. You will feel comforted and supported.

Learning how to be self-compassionate will not only get you through your divorce and recovery but will be a powerful ally for any challenge you face as you go through life.