Welcome to the adventures of the Ex Mrs. Jones!
You are cordially invited to come along on her journey.
Is the Ex Mrs. Jones a real, living person? Did these things happen to her? Well, yes and no, and maybe. She is a culmination of rich tales shared by women who were beginning again at midlife. What the Ex Mrs. Jones has in common with all of these women is a shared emotional pain, vulnerability, and comfort for taking risks. After her marriage had ended, she wandered her world in search of answers and understanding. She was in search of herself.
In spite of her trials and misadventures, I want you to know her story has a happy ending. EVENTUALLY.
Now, come along! She hates waiting.
NO! YOU CAN’T BE 50?!
Three kids? IMPOSSIBLE! You look great! These were magical words to the Ex Mrs. Jones when they came from others. But when they played alone in her head, they came from a place of shock and denial. The truth is she did look years younger than her age. But facts are facts, and as the ink was drying on her divorce papers, she had had her 50th birthday. She could barely utter the number to herself. Petrified to be single again in midlife, she worried she would wake up one day soon, and any remnants of her physical youth and ability to attract a new love in life would be gone. In her psyche, it was all hanging by a thread.
Hoping to Find Love Again
After years of a loveless marriage, one thing she wished was to find love again, perhaps even remarry one day. She believed she needed to look her best to make that happen. She got her eyes done and worked out every day at the gym. The Ex Mrs. Jones was in the best shape of her life.
Yet, it all seemed to work against her no matter her efforts. She attracted men who reinforced the belief in her that, yes, age was an issue. Over and over she had encounters like these:
“I don’t usually date women your age, but I’ll make an exception,” uttered by a 60 year-old man with a drop foot.
“I used to only date 30 – 40 year-old women, but I’ve changed. I’m here with you,” said a 57 year-old man with white hair and white pants to match.
A 52 year-old artist told her, “It’s not like it was when we were younger. It’s a different world now. Women my own age are too old for me.”
Seriously??? Blech! Be quiet – all of you!
Be quiet cruel voice in my head.
Getting Fed Up
The Ex Mrs. Jones was getting fed up with OLDER men telling her SHE was too old. The double standard was too much. More than anything she wanted to be comfortable in her skin. But, before she could do that, the Universe had to send her one more experience.
One day while putting her weights away at the gym, a dark, handsome man approached her and introduced himself. Through their conversations, it became known that he was in his early 40s. He became interested in her, and when he finally asked her out on a date, her stomach tightened, fearing the question that was to come.
He asked subtle questions to ascertain her age, but the Ex Mrs. Jones had become skilled at diverting them. Privately, she was very frustrated that she couldn’t just accept herself for who she was.
It came time to tell him. Tired of feeling ashamed of her age, she felt ready to address it. If he wasn’t okay with everything about her, they could call it quits right now, she told herself. She drove over to meet him and have THE conversation. In her heart of hearts, she was hoping for a different reaction than she got. But, his jaw dropped at the truth. “I thought you were in your late thirties,” he said. ENOUGH, she said.
Confronting Him was Confronting Herself
Painfully driving away with tears running down her cheeks, the Ex Mrs. Jones decided she was okay just as she was. Rather than trying to run from a number, she decided to celebrate it proudly. And to celebrate the entirety of who she was. At last, she had made an important decision. Since her divorce, her long struggle with feeling bad about herself was about to end.
Getting Comfortable in Your Skin
When recovering from a divorce, you sometimes find yourself on a quest to be comfortable in your skin and in your being. Divorce at midlife can be a transformative rebirth where you feel ready to throw off the insecurities of your youth. I love this quote by Charles B. Handy:
“The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are – bald or old or fat or poor, successful or struggling- when you don’t feel the need to apologize for anything or to deny anything. To be comfortable in your own skin is the beginning of strength.”
To let go of the struggle and transform how you think, what you believe, and how you experience the world starts with an awareness of yourself and a decision to make a change. Being able to accept and embrace the entirety of who you are, with love and self-compassion is priceless.
When you can accomplish this, an amazing life awaits you.
From that day forward, the Ex Mrs. Jones didn’t hide her age or entertain those who wouldn’t approve. In fact, those men didn’t even show up on her radar anymore. It was downright astonishing to witness.
Hi, my name is Jamie Daniel-Farrell. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Westlake Village, CA. Specializing in couples counseling and divorce recovery, I provide counseling services for individuals and couples who are motivated to create healthier, happier lives and relationships. If you're ready to break out of unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I would be happy to help! Please feel free to reach out or to call me at: