(Photograph provided by Canva)
Do you struggle to break free from the lasting emotional impact of
your divorce?
Are old feelings of guilt, resentment, and self-judgment lying beneath the surface of your awareness and continuing to affect your life?
When I went through my divorce, I believed there was a time stamp on my recovery. In a few years, my life was sure to end up feeling happy and bright. The hardest times are over. The kids are adjusted. There’s little need to interact with the ex anymore. Isn’t it time to be happy now? Haven’t I worked hard to get here?
YES, YOU HAVE, AND YOU ARE. Still, something doesn’t feel quite right. It’s not what you expected.
What if your divorce is continuing to make emotional background noise of which you aren’t aware? In the form of an intrusive thought, through a hardship you face, or during time spent with family? Maybe in a new romantic relationship, or merely existing as a dull awareness that exists within you much of the time? It comes as a surprise and is difficult to see when the happiness and joy you’ve worked so hard for continues to feel out of your reach. But why is it?
Divorce is a difficult and complicated transition. It doles out an emotional beating that leaves an imprint on your psyche. In the after years as your life takes shape, you gradually begin to DEFINE yourself through the lens of your divorce. And that lens is not a happy, content, or peaceful one. It’s a very subtle thing that happens, and you may not know this has happened to you.
How can you tell if you’re unhappily identifying yourself through your divorce? Some signs are:
- a feeling of low self-worth
- a tendency toward bitterness, anger, and maintaining old resentments
- an experience of life as unfair, painful and a struggle
- feeling stuck, frozen in time, and unable to move forward
- an internal toughness, indifference or apathy
- emotional walls that make it difficult to be in a relationship again
- a sense of disconnect between your married life and the life you live today
- a loss of joy, happiness, and well-being
If you feel an indescribable malaise and inability to embrace a happy life again, much of it can be due to the STORY that you’ve written about this part of your life. It could be you don’t believe you deserve to be happy.
(Photograph by Giulia Bertelli)
Your life is made up of story. The story shapes your life.
Many stories, going all the way back to your childhood. Humans are natural storytellers. You have an innate need to seek out connection and make meaning of your life. In a recent podcast, “The Practice of Being Seen,” Storytelling Coach, Marisa Goudy and Relationship Therapist, Rebecca Wong discuss this topic in interesting detail. Listen to “Stories Shape Relationships, and Relationships Shape Stories.”
I’m sure you consider much of the story of your life to be fruitful and positive, and some of it, you see as problematic. People share a tendency to focus on the struggles they’ve faced and the problem-laden part of their story, making them more dominant in their thoughts. Over time, this story comes together to create a theme or a belief about yourself. A story you create to have it all make sense.
(Photograph provided by Canva)
THE DIFFICULTY STARTS when you begin to identify with your story so completely that you then define the whole of who you believe yourself to be. How you tell your story to yourself and others can shape your experience of your life. Instead of separating the external events that have happened to you during your life, you’ve internalized them.
Brene Brown talks about being hooked on the story of your struggle. In her book, “Rising Strong,” she addresses how to begin to shift out of this pattern. Here is a link to her speaking about this issue.
Internalizing Your Divorce
The ability to break free from the lasting, emotional impact of your divorce lies in the story you tell yourself and others about it. If you’ve internalized the events of your divorce, your identification with it is affecting many areas of your life. The good news is that your story can be reviewed again, and you can make revisions. When you separate yourself from the event, you can begin to embrace your life in a healthy, happy and joyous way.
You can’t break free from the FACT that your divorce happened. You can cut the threads that continue to hold you back from joy.
Here are a few ways counseling can help:
1. We work together to help you begin to view the divorce as separate from you.
2. You’ll gradually start the process to rewrite your narrative about your story and your divorce as part of it.
3. You will focus on your strengths and identify unique outcomes in the story.
4. Different words that help to empower you in the story will be written.
5. Re-author your story, and embrace your new life from a new position.
(Photograph provided by Canva)
Getting a divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence to your future happiness. You can learn how to embrace your life after divorce and live it through a new, bright and confident lens. The time to write your new story is now.
Brave Hearts. Honor Your Courage. Honor Your Knowing.
Please check out Jamie Daniel’s new group for women now forming:
Renewed Woman: Learn to Embrace Your Imperfect, Beautiful Life
Hi, my name is Jamie Daniel-Farrell. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Westlake Village, CA. Specializing in couples counseling and divorce recovery, I provide counseling services for individuals and couples who are motivated to create healthier, happier lives and relationships. If you're ready to break out of unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I would be happy to help! Please feel free to reach out or to call me at: