Coping with Divorce: The Value of Mindfulness Practices

“Mindfulness isn’t about getting anywhere else.” ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

While in the middle of my divorce mediation, my mind was full of noise. My ability to be present for any of the detail seemed to evade me. Sitting at the mediator’s office with my estranged husband, where important decisions needed to be made, I remember looking at my ex with blurry vision, wanting him to handle the details. Their voices back and forth sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher from the Peanuts cartoons. When it was time to leave, I could barely remember bits and pieces of the details we had just hammered out.

About two years after the divorce was finalized, I pulled my settlement agreement out of the box and was able to absorb it for the first time. Thankfully, it was a fair and decent deal, since it felt like I was mentally present for none of it.

When experiencing the emotional turmoil of divorce, how can you learn to steer the wheel of your mind and lead it where you want it to go? Where it desperately needs to go to make the important decisions that will affect the rest of your life? Or where it can be present for your children while they are going through their turmoil from the divorce?

Learning mindfulness practices is invaluable during this difficult transition. Once you learn how to use it, it will be a resource for you now and for your entire life.

What exactly is mindfulness? 

Mindfulness is purposely paying attention to the present moment, whatever is happening right now. Not yesterday or tomorrow – just right here, right now.                      

Learning to focus on the present moment will help you quiet your chattering mind, providing the ability to cultivate serenity and well-being. You have to develop certain attitudes to be able to integrate the practice of mindfulness.

Developing Helpful Attitudes to Promote Mindfulness

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of mindfulness-based stress reduction, states that mindfulness operates through the cultivation of seven interdependent attitudes. A solid foundation for mindfulness practice depends on developing and nurturing these attitudes:

1. Being nonjudgmental. Become an impartial observer. Do not judge your thoughts.
2. Having patience. Be patient with the divorce process. Learn to accept that everything unfolds in its own time.
3. Beginner’s mind. Becoming open to new experiences following your divorce.
4. Trusting yourself. While you can’t always understand what is happening, you can learn to trust yourself through the process. Trust your faith and wisdom.
5. Non-striving. Mindfulness = not working hard. You are required just to be as present as possible while doing nothing.
6. Acceptance. Learn to see things as they are without trying to change them. Embrace what arises inside you just as it is.
7. Letting go. Look at what is unfolding for what it is, then let it fall away. You will need to let some things go over and over again.

Reducing Stress and Anxiety

While practicing mindfulness will not make divorce proceedings go away, nor the pressures of being a single parent, it does help you find a greater sense of peace and well-being. Think of mindfulness as the safety guard that locks in place to protect you on a bumpy, up-and-down amusement park ride. While it doesn’t stop the nature of the journey, it helps to anchor and keep you steady, allowing you to more clearly look around and see what is happening. Clarity helps increase your field of awareness, enabling you to better tune into your thoughts, feelings and physical awareness of your body. Awareness is the first step in being able to alter our state of being.

Mind Chatter and the Little Monkey in Your Head

Many people going through divorce tend to focus on negative events that have happened, then often beat themselves up for “dwelling” on them. While you can’t stop your mind from thinking thoughts, you can learn to become aware of them, steward them and not be carried off by the “little monkey” in your head.

Neuroscience studies show that how you use your mind changes your brain. If you hang out with sad, happy, angry, frustrated or grateful thoughts, you begin to strengthen those particular neural networks. If in the midst of divorce your mind continually rests on the anger you felt when your spouse told you he/she wanted a divorce, your neural networks that help you feel anger are being strengthened, and feeling anger can become habitual. It’s important to make a conscious effort to notice your mind chatter. Staying in the present moment will help to anchor you allowing you to become an observer of your thoughts instead of being carried away by them.

The Influence of Your Back Story

We all create back stories to our experience. These stories shape and define how we view and interpret the past and future events. How do you identify your back story? Pay attention to the content of your thoughts. What is the common theme running through them? Perhaps it is, “I’m not worthy of love” or “If I weren’t so stupid I would have known he/she was cheating on me,” or maybe it is something else. Whatever it is, becoming aware of it through mindfulness practices will allow you to observe it nonjudgmentally, and challenge its validity. Is it true? Is it helpful? Identifying and reframing your back story allows you to stop ruminating obsessively about your ex, and stop the negative script playing in your head.

Breath – Your Faithful Companion

Learning to apply mindfulness in your life can begin by only noticing your breathing. Is it shallow or deep? Rapid or slow? Does it change with your emotions? Breath is your constant and loyal companion. It has been with you since the day you were born and will continue to be with you until the day your physical body dies. Mindfulness breathing is learning to let your breath refresh and renew you. With every in and out breath, you can become anchored and stabilized during times of stress.

Coping with divorce involves the ability to summon strength, courage, patience, acceptance and the ability to let go, over and over again. Learning the art of mindfulness, which helps to hone those specific skills, is an invaluable tool to help make your journey through divorce recovery less bumpy and less painful.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.