Divorce Fallout: Family as Judge and Jury

Photograph by I.M. Pricilla

“Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

Whatever the reason for your divorce, there can be unforeseen consequences suffered in the process, especially when it comes to family and friends. It can be shocking to see how family and friends divide among party lines, especially the children. Judgments are quickly rendered for or against the divorcing parties. Someone in the party is assigned the role of victim in the divorce. This person will have a much different experience in regards to support from family and friends than the individual who initiated the divorce (initiator). The initiator is called out to explain or justify their reasons. Everyone on the outside who knows nothing of what went on in that marriage become judge and jury. “Don’t judge someone until you have walked in their shoes,” the saying goes. But judge they do.

Nuclear Family

Judging can feel cruel and unfair. Like a sentence handed down, after little opportunity for defense. Whether you stay-at-home or are a working parent, divorce fallout can be experienced most painfully in the nuclear family. Your healthy, loving relationships with the children can confusingly be redefined based on judgments made and camps formed. One parent may attempt to influence the children’s opinion of the other parent, or outside parties may contribute. What ideally should be a matter handled in the immediate family between two mature parents becomes open season for all in the hunt to cast blame.

Extended Family

For some parties of divorce, the extended families side with their own giving them comfort and support. For others, families of origin can be harsh judges and critics. Your divorce, as painful and uncomfortable as it makes you, can also make them feel very uncomfortable. Your family doesn’t necessarily have all the facts, but they can quickly make their minds up about your very personal experience. You might have been hoping for support from your side of the family only to become very aware of the lack of it. Their harsh or insensitive words are equivalent to pouring salt on a wound. Families try to hold on tight to their established, rules and you getting divorced is breaking one of them.

Family of Friends

The friends you shared in your marriage might splinter and fracture off, choosing to support one side or the other. Your friends may pass judgment on you, and your friendship may never be the same. To be their friend you had to hold up your end of the deal which is not to leave your marriage, no matter the circumstances. This injects fear into their minds as they worry that this could eventually happen to them. We learn we have to say goodbye to those friends and move on. Real friends don’t abandon or judge you. They listen and offer support.

Create Your Circle of Support

You can create your circle of support by:

• Surrounding yourself with a supportive “tribe” of family and friends
• Building a supportive village which includes an individual therapist or support group
• Incorporating spirituality into your life
• Joining activities such as hiking clubs or dancing lessons to meet others with similar interests
• Journaling your thoughts and feelings to process your emotions

It takes a strong person to weather adversity. Some of our deepest wounds can be born from the fallout of a divorce. Some familial relationships are mended, others are forever changed. How can we move past this hurt, especially when it involves our children? It requires a lot of faith and letting go. Belief in the knowledge of your intention to move forward and live a healthy life, and letting go of the need to shape and define the opinion of others.

Brave Hearts. Honor your courage. Honor Your Knowing.