Do You Ever Truly Recover From a Divorce?

Photograph by Amanda Jordan

“But grief is a walk alone. Others can be there and listen. But you will walk alone down your own path, at your own pace, with your sheared off pain, your raw wounds, your denial, anger and bitter loss. You’ll come to your own peace, hopefully….But it will be on your own, in your own time.” ~ Cathy Lamb

GET OVER IT ALREADY! Over the feelings of anger, sadness, and resentment. Friends and family are telling you to move on. They don’t want to hear about it anymore. Frustration is building when you feel you can’t. What is this expectation you put on yourself?

A healthier and more compassionate way to approach your divorce recovery is to understand how to best deal with it, rather than feel you must get over it. In time your healing can be measured by how often your divorce continues to occupy your thoughts, what the story is that you tell yourself about it, and the assigned meaning you have given it.

The Stages of Your Grief

Did you know divorce ranks number two on a scale of life’s most stressful events? Second only to the loss of a child or spouse. Divorce is impactful. It hurts like hell. It’s a loss of a partner who still exists making closure difficult. You travel up and down the stages of grief, the same as someone who has lost a loved one to death. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Acceptance does not necessarily mean you’ve moved on. It more accurately means you’re now dealing with it in a way that allows you to move forward rather than remain stuck in your grief or resentment.

Divorce vs. Death of a Loved One

When going through my divorce, I remember a discussion over lunch with a friend of mine who’d lost a loved one in an auto accident. We were both in a lot of emotional pain and attempting to support one another, but oddly to me, he seemed quite amused by mine. He would say, “But you chose your divorce. I didn’t choose to lose my partner.”

BAM! Does anyone want to divorce? A decision to divorce is made, but to choose means it was something you wanted to do. My friend and I were two lost souls trying to make sense of it all. It’s true to say that both the death of a loved one and divorce are devastating, offering a personal loss from which many find it tough to recover.

(Photograph by Max Poschau)

Dealing with divorce is taking the time to go through the stages of grief, and beginning to retell your story in a way that allows you to positively move forward in your life. This is a careful process that takes time. It involves taking ownership of your responsibility, learning to forgive yourself and your ex, being patient to breathe through the feelings as they come and go, and achieving personal growth from all you have learned about yourself and your life in general.  Many folks work through this, and many do not. Seeking help from a qualified therapist can help you deal more efficiently with your divorce so you can begin to create a new chapter in your life.

There can be so much beauty born from pain and struggle. If you are going or have gone through a divorce, please stop and give yourself a big hug. Know that you’re made of courage and faith, and you will get through this. Life is art, and you are beginning to paint on a blank canvas a beautiful new work.

You will be okay.

A personal thank you to my therapist, Dr. Judy Welch, who sat with me for countless hours. She emotionally held me as I felt safe to travel through the process. I am forever grateful.

Brave Hearts. Honor Your Courage. Honor Your Knowing.