“When you fall in a river, you’re no longer a fisherman; you’re a swimmer.” Gene Hill
One’s perspective on life changes with age. A wealth of experiences and a growing wisdom over the years form an ability in oneself to better see the big picture. A feeling of ease settles in, as well as a comfort with being in one’s skin. There is an acute awareness that the river of life is flowing by you each day, month and year with increasing speed. This ease in life and awareness of time can become a breeding ground for a burgeoning curiosity: What does my life mean? Why do I not enjoy the things that I use to? What do I want to experience in the years that remain? How can I make a difference in the world? Reflecting back and looking forward in your life can fan the flames, creating a fire to find the answers to these questions. A major life transition may follow, and one form it may take is divorce. The end of marriage in midlife is sometimes an outgrowing of your partner and the life you had together. What might have given you fulfillment at age 25 no longer satisfies you at 45. You may suddenly find yourself single again after many years of being married or in a relationship. Whether you jumped into the river yourself or found yourself pushed in, the temperature of the water and the landscape can feel and look the same. (Photograph by Maxime Lelievre)
Old Expectations vs. New Beginnings
Recently in my women’s divorce support group, we went around the table, and each person shared how they felt about being single again at their age. Some of their observations went like this: “I never thought I would be 62 and single again,” “I never thought my family would break up at this age,” “I feel devastated,” and “I’m so excited to have a fresh start in my life.” What were the expectations when you got married? How did you see your life playing out? Whatever the answers, you probably expected your life to go a certain way. When life takes an unexpected turn, a significant shift in thought processes must follow. This feels very challenging, creating tremendous anxiety. The statistics for divorce in midlife are indicating a sharp rise in people over the age of 50. Numbers also show that women over 50 are less inclined to remain in an unsatisfactory marriage. A growing number of individuals are opting to start over, begin again and create fresh, new lives for themselves. They are dividing their assets, starting new careers, redefining their families and experiencing new beginnings. And they are changing the way they think about their lives.
Hopes of Marrying Again vs. The Desire to Remain Single
You might be open to, or even excited about the idea of meeting someone new in the future, welcoming the idea of getting married again. Perhaps you think you might choose a different type of partner at this stage in your life, with different goals and interests. The idea of remarriage may be important to you as you value commitment and the security it may provide. Or, you may decide you want to remain single as you discover a newfound freedom in your life. You might choose to live alone or share housing and expenses while cultivating a group of close friends with whom you enjoy travel, common interests, and caring for one another. Having a romantic partner but declining to pursue a legal marriage may be your decision. The choices are vast and varied with a multitude of very personal reasons behind them.
Increased Life Satisfaction in Older Age
Studies show people experience a greater overall satisfaction in life as they grow older. They have developed a perspective of time and experience and have learned to fear less and appreciate more. People are born connectors and meaning-makers. In midlife, the innate desire to relate to others in small and significant ways becomes important, as well as the desire to contribute to society in a meaningful way. Divorce in midlife can be experienced as a rebirth, becoming a springboard for redefining and creating a new direction in life regarding what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
Whether you chose to jump into the river of your life or feel you were pushed in, you can become a skilled swimmer. There is a delightful buoyancy to life when you learn to go with the flow, detach from your anchor and float weightlessly in a mindset open to new beginnings. The landscape changes with beautiful, new scenery and experiences. A whole new world appears when you become the artist of your own masterpiece: your life.
Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.