4 Roadblocks to Finding Happiness After Divorce

Several years ago while going through a painful divorce, I kept hearing everyone talk about “getting to the other side” of divorce.

Supposedly, on the “other side” lie the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: joy, contentment, peace of mind and a positive vision of your future. If you know me, I’m impatient and I couldn’t wait to get there!

I wanted out of this suffering business and over to the feel good side where happiness lived. I wrote in my journal, went to therapy, practiced forgiveness and worked hard to come to a place of acceptance. While I began to feel measurably better over time, stumbling blocks remained.

What I came to understand about getting to the “other side” is that to get there you must first be intentional. Second, you must continue to work at it every single day.

Time does not heal everything.

Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that simple? The truth is, it’s HOW YOU USE YOUR TIME that will determine when you arrive on the other side of your divorce.

Are you ready to use this time, to make an intentional choice to move forward, and be very disciplined about doing it?

The path you travel toward the other side can be obstructed by roadblocks that take you off course and make you think you’ll never get there. Sort of like Dorothy going along the yellow brick road with the intention to meet the Wizard of Oz to get her back home. I’m sure you won’t encounter evil, flying monkeys, but you may experience one or more of four roadblocks that can get in your way.

Let’s look at these roadblocks that could keep you waylaid on your journey toward recovery and happiness.

4 Roadblocks to Finding Happiness After Divorce:

1. Anger and Resentment

Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches that your thoughts are connected to how you feel. How we feel is organic to how we think. Did you feel wronged in the circumstances leading to your divorce? Do you continue to have a caustic relationship with your ex-spouse? If so, it’s understandable that feelings of anger and resentment would linger.

After some time, when you’ve processed your feelings of anger, it becomes necessary to make the conscious effort to move out of these toxic feelings so you can move forward with your life. Moving out of the toxicity of anger requires that you first become aware of your thoughts.

Where do you go in your head when you feel angry? What are things you are saying to yourself? Once you separate yourself from your thoughts and become their observer, you can learn to become the master of your mind. You can reframe an old, negative thought into a more healing, compassionate one.

2. Shame and Self-Judgment

Shame is an internal feeling of having done something wrong. Self-judgment follows, and your thoughts can become intrusive, punishing and self-defeating. Many people who go through divorce suffer feelings of shame, remorse, and guilt. Thoughts such as, “How could I do that to my children? I’m the only person in my family to divorce. I’m such a failure,” may play over and over like a broken record.

Becoming aware of these painful thoughts is the first step toward healing. Do you want to stay stuck in these self-defeating thoughts? Or do you want to heal and move forward? If you picked the latter, visually remove the scarlet letter “D” of divorce from your forehead and begin to reframe those thoughts to more self-compassionate ones. Forgiving yourself is vital to healing and moving forward.

3. Inability to Forgive and Let Go

The first choice you must make to move past your divorce is to forgive. It’s a long process that requires awareness, patience, and commitment.

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting how you were wronged in your marriage. It’s learning to reframe your thoughts about your ex-spouse, allowing you to view them with compassion rather than through the lens of anger.

Forgiveness is the greatest act of self-love because you are freeing yourself up to have positive, kind thoughts that will allow you to feel joy and happiness again. Making the shift from negative thoughts about yourself and your ex to kind thoughts will change your life. One must first learn to forgive before one can let go.

4. Living in The Past

Many folks can get stuck in their past – carrying their baggage full of anger, old resentments, and regrets into their future. They unpack these bags and put the contents into every future relationship they have.

Deciding to let go of the past is a choice one must make. Once enough time has passed, and you have processed your feelings about your divorce, it might be time to stop looking in the rear-view mirror of your life and deciding to look forward. The past is the past – it cannot be changed or done over. Ever.

Choosing to focus on what was right about the marriage and identifying what you learned from it to better your life, is where your thoughts will serve you best and allow you to move forward.

You can move forward after your divorce and live a happier, healthier life. 

AWARENESS IS POWER.

Discovering that you can become the observer of your thoughts, rather than be defined by them is key. You can choose to redefine unhelpful beliefs and decide which thoughts you will focus your time and energy.

Personal growth often comes from the most painful experience. There is an amazing life waiting for you, on the other side.