Hurting Over an Apology You May Never Receive?

“How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it at all.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Are you hurting over an apology you may never receive?

You feel you’ve been wronged or profoundly hurt by someone or mistreated, and you can’t understand or move past that person’s lack of remorse or even an apology. If only they would acknowledge the injustice, or see how hurtful their actions have been. But, all you get is silence. How can you possibly forgive this person, stop hurting and move past it?

The Honest Truth

Whether the bad behavior is great or small, sometimes the absence of an apology can create intense feelings of anger or sadness. You might wonder how this person could do this to you. More times than not, we have to move on without an “I’m sorry,” or some acknowledgment of an honest-to-goodness wrongdoing by another person. If you don’t, you can become stuck in emotional pain in the form of anger, resentment, guilt or shame.

BUT HOW CAN YOU GET THROUGH THIS ON YOUR OWN?

These five steps can help heal the hurt without ever receiving an apology:

1. Validate your experience. 

Your feelings are real. Try not to judge them – they aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Reassure yourself that other people in your shoes might have felt the same way if this had happened to them.

2. Take responsibility. 

In most situations, we may share responsibility for part of what happened. One constructive way to move on is to take responsibility for your half and see it as a learning opportunity. Ask yourself what your contribution was, or what did you allow? Where did you say or do something hurtful? Or maybe where did you neglect to stand up for yourself? Try to look at it honestly.

3. Depersonalize what happened. 

Try to understand that this might be more about the person who did the wrongdoing, or who hurt your feelings than it was about you. Most people operate from their own set of values, interpretations, and motivations. It’s more complicated than it might seem on the surface.

4. See the other person through the eyes of compassion. 

For a moment, look at the situation without bias. Imagine what might be going on in the wrongdoer’s life. Were they operating out of their ego, or from a place of insecurity? Is their struggle coming from something deeper? Compassion will help you learn to forgive even if you can’t forget.

5. Work toward acceptance and letting go. 

The above steps will help you get to this one. Work toward having the hurtful thoughts take up less space in your head. Practice focusing more on what you’re grateful to have learned, or how this experience is helping you grow.

You can also practice rituals to help you let go. For example, visualize putting these painful thoughts in a bubble and as you release them, watch them float away.

When you become proactive in this process, you are no longer a victim of circumstance. Some things will happen in your life that you won’t understand, or that are out of your control. BUT, you can decide how YOU will choose to look at it, work through it and move forward.

YOU ARE THE MASTER CREATOR OF YOUR LIFE. DON’T LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY.

If you’re struggling to move past the emotional pain of a perceived wrongdoing, please feel free to comment below.