The Impact of Divorce on Children
Yep. Hindsight is 20/20.
Eleven years ago when my ex-husband and I went through our divorce, we somehow failed to incorporate counseling as part of a healthy support system that was needed for our teenage children.
We were quick to set up counseling for ourselves, mind you. Our children were in their teens and late teens and seemed well adjusted with lives of their own. We assumed that if we were okay, they would be okay. This divorce was happening to my ex and me after all. It had nothing to do with our children.
On the outside, our children seemed to be doing fine. On the inside, as I would later learn, it was a different story. And my youngest son felt the impact of our divorce more than his older brothers.
The thing I regret most was that over the following years, the ball was dropped, and my youngest son never received the help he needed most. He has suffered because of it, and I believe the effects linger, even today.
This quote by Undressing Emmanuelle: A Life Stripped Bare, sheds some light on the impact of divorce on a child, and how it can extend well into adulthood:
“I am a divorced child, of divided, uncertain background. Within this division I – supposed fruit of their love – no longer exist. It happened nearly forty years ago, yet to me nothing is sadder than my parents’ divorce.”
7 Reasons to Seek Counseling for Your Children During a Divorce:
1. To Elevate Feelings of Self-Worth
Children and teens are known to personalize their parent’s divorce, often fearing that they’ve done something wrong to make this happen. They may internalize feelings such as believing a parent is leaving because of them, or something they did, affecting their feelings of self-worth. Counseling can help challenge these beliefs and help children reframe them into more positive, realistic ones.
2. To Treat Depression and Anxiety
If your child is dealing with depression or anxiety during your divorce, counseling is a safe place to process all of their feelings. If you notice your child is irritable, sleeping more than usual, has lost motivation, is falling behind at school, acting out, or doesn’t care about the things they used to, they may well have signs of depression. Your therapist can assess for this and if needed, recommend your child be seen by a medical doctor.
3. To Process Through their Grief and Loss of Their Family
Children love routine and structure, and they want things to stay the same. The foundation of a healthy family serves as a platform for children to grow, thrive and find themselves. Losing this foundation at such a pivotal age undermines their sense of security in the world, as their parent’s priorities shift and change. Children may no longer have the opportunities they once did when their parent’s finances were better.
4. To Work With Parents to Promote Consistency and Structure
During a divorce, there needs to be an awareness that consistency and structure in your children’s changing lives are so important. Keeping their day-to-day experience as normal as possible, meaning allowing them to attend the same schools, continuing on sports teams and maintaining old friendships is recommended. Because so much of their life has changed, try to stay consistent with your rules and values for your children.
5. To Help Children De-Personalize the Divorce
It’s important to help children understand that the divorce was about their parent’s relationship and not THEIR relationship with their parents. Counseling can help children understand this by including sessions with their parents to foster understanding and to reassure their children.
6. To Be Part of a Healthy Support System
Counseling should be a part of your children’s support system. Their support system can never be too large. Optimally, it should include a loving extended family, church groups, support groups, family friends, teachers and coaches.
7. To Promote Healthy Future Relationships
Studies indicate that children of divorce are more hesitant to marry as adults. Probably because of what they experienced going through it as a child or teen. Working to keep your children’s lives stable and consistent, providing them plenty of support and allowing your children to work through their feelings will ultimately promote their trust in future healthy relationships.
There’s a wonderful post, “Quotes from Children About Divorce,” that will shed some light on the thoughts and feelings of children and teens going through this experience. Here is an excerpt::
If I could make a wish about divorce, I would wish:
- There was no such thing as divorce – Adam, age 8
- There could be something that would stop the divorce – Victor, age 8
- I could have the same thing at each parent’s home – Alyssa, age 8
- I wasn’t sad – Katherine, age 9
- There would be no more fighting – Katherine, age 6
- To live at one house with everyone there – Cameron, age 6
Our goal as parents should always remain the same. That no matter the circumstances of our lives, our number one job is to provide for the emotional, physical and psychological welfare of our children.
You don’t have to go through this difficult time alone. Counseling is here to help.
Hi, my name is Jamie Daniel-Farrell. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Westlake Village, CA. Specializing in couples counseling and divorce recovery, I provide counseling services for individuals and couples who are motivated to create healthier, happier lives and relationships. If you're ready to break out of unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I would be happy to help! Please feel free to reach out or to call me at: