Infidelity: The Choice to Heal and Stay Together

My partner cheated. Now we’re trying to pick up the pieces.

Suppose you’ve experienced betrayal in your relationship. In that case, you know how devastating it can be, from the shock of the discovery to the intense sadness and anger to your plummeting feelings of self-worth. It’s a complex cocktail of mixed emotions.

For some, it’s a point of no return.

For others, it feels conflicting to walk away without trying to attempt a repair.

But how can I ever forgive and trust again?

Learning to forgive, let go and trust again after a betrayal is a journey. Ask yourself: Are you willing to work to get there? Can you ride the emotional ups and downs? And, can you tolerate the contrast you’ll experience between the steps forward in your recovery and the inevitable steps backward?

It’s a test for the strong at heart.

IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER RECOMMIT TO THE MARRIAGE, YOU CAN PREVAIL.

Here’s a road map of what to do and what not to do to help you regain trust and restart your marriage post-infidelity.

What to do:

1. Grieve the loss of your marriage as it was pre-infidelity
2. Process your feelings with your partner
3. The cheating partner needs to accept responsibility and show remorse
4. Establish new boundaries and behaviors to foster trust
5. Explore what, if anything, made the marriage vulnerable to infidelity
6. Create a vision for your marriage post-infidelity
7. Recommit to the marriage
8. Stop/loss

What not to do:

Choosing to be unfaithful and go outside the relationship can be complicated. Without meaning to blame either partner, I’m calling the spouse who went outside the marriage “Affair Spouse” and the spouse who didn’t “Victim of Affair.”

Here’s what not to do as you attempt a repair:

VICTIM OF AFFAIR:

• Become the police or watchdog
• Ask for too many details or specifics that can cause more distress
• Obsess your image of them together
• Lash out with unrestricted anger
• Believe the affair is your fault

AFFAIR SPOUSE:

• Think your partner should “just get over it.”
• Stop apologizing too soon.
• Lose patience with your spouse
• Stop trust behaviors
• Lose faith that things can get better

Take care not to create an expectation or a timeline.

How long it takes to heal is an individual experience. That being said, there is a point when you need to make a stop/loss.

What happened in the past cannot be undone. There’s a time when you need to forgive and let go to move forward.

This point in time will become evident to you.

The Power of Symbols

Starting over after an affair can be helped with the use of symbols. Some might plant a tree to symbolize growth and a fresh start. Others might renew their vows. Or you might make a monthly ritual of toasting the renewal of your commitment to one another.

Nothing is more hard-earned than the marriage recovered after an affair.

When you’ve worked hard to forgive and let go; when it becomes the best thing that could’ve happened because it dedicated you both to repairing the items in your marriage that weren’t working; when it made you stop taking your partner for granted. And when your marriage became richer for surviving infidelity and the following growth.

You are deciding about the future of your marriage after infidelity is a personal choice. Many particulars shape and form your unique experience.

There’s no right or wrong decision. It has to be uniquely YOUR own.