I Never Thought I’d Be Single Again at This Age

Photograph by Max Poschau

“When you fall in a river, you’re no longer a fisherman; you’re a swimmer.” ~ Gene Hill

Now that you’re in midlife, is everything beginning to look and feel different? Are your children starting to leave the nest? Does it feel as if your focus and purpose have changed?  Mid-lifers are known to look around at their lives and feel a deep discontent. The choices you made at age 25 are not the same choices you would make today. Rich with experience, growing wisdom, and ability to see the big picture, you’re acutely aware that the river of life is flowing by you with increasing speed.

 Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Why don’t I enjoy the things that I used to? What do I want to experience in the years that remain? How can I make a difference in my life and the world? 

You may suddenly find yourself single again after many years of being married or in a relationship. Whether you jumped into the river yourself or found yourself pushed in, the temperature of the water and the landscape can look and feel the same.

Old Expectations vs. New Beginnings

Recently in my women’s divorce support group, we went around the table, and each person shared how they felt about being single again at their age. Some of their observations went like this: “I never thought I’d be 69 years old and single again.” “We worked so hard to plan for retirement, now what?” “I feel devastated and lost.” “I’m so excited to have a fresh start in my life.”

What were your expectations when you got married? How did you see your life playing out? Whatever the answers, you probably expected it to go a certain way. When life takes an unexpected turn, a significant shift in thought processes must follow. This feels very challenging, creating tremendous anxiety. The statistics for divorce in midlife are indicating a sharp rise in people over the age of 50. Numbers also show that women over 50 are less inclined to remain in an unsatisfactory marriage.

A growing number of people are opting to start over and create fresh, new lives for themselves. They’re dividing their assets, starting new careers, redefining their families and experiencing new beginnings. And they are changing the way they think about their lives.

Hopes of Marrying Again vs. The Desire to Remain Single

You might be open to, or even excited about the idea of meeting someone new in the future, welcoming the idea of getting married again. Perhaps you think you might choose a different type of partner at this stage in your life, with different goals and interests. The idea of remarriage may be important to you as you value commitment and the security it may provide.

Or, you may decide you want to remain single as you discover a newfound freedom in your life. You might choose to live alone or share housing and expenses while cultivating a group of close friends with whom you enjoy travel, common interests, and caring for one another. You may have a romantic partner or companion, but elect not to pursue a legal marriage.

The choices are vast and varied with a multitude of very personal reasons behind them.

Increased Life Satisfaction in Older Age

Studies show people experience a greater overall satisfaction in life as they grow older. They’ve developed a perspective of time and expertise and have learned to fear less and appreciate more.

People are born connectors and meaning-makers. In midlife, the innate desire to relate to others in small and significant ways becomes paramount, as well as the desire to contribute to society in a meaningful way.

Divorce in midlife can be experienced as a rebirth, becoming a springboard for redefining and creating a new direction in life regarding what makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

Whether you chose to jump into the river of your life or feel pushed in, you can become a skilled swimmer. There is a delightful buoyancy to life when you learn to go with the flow, detach from your anchor and float weightlessly in a mindset open to new beginnings. The landscape changes with beautiful, new scenery and experiences.

A whole new world appears when you become the artist of your original masterpiece: your life.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.