The Role of Anger in Divorce Recovery

Photograph by Tanya Heffner

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” ~ Buddha

Anger is an interesting emotion. The message in our society is that it should be tempered, extinguished and everyone should learn to control it. The truth is that feeling anger is as natural as feeling any other emotion; however, we are often made to feel shame about it. In a recent survey of people going through the process of divorce, 60% said they feel they have been wronged by their ex-partner. The list of transgressions included physical and emotional abuse, failure to fulfill obligations, financial misconduct, infidelity, and deceit. This being the case, it is understandable that anger is a natural reaction, and will presumably be a force with which both partners will have to contend.

The Positive Aspects of Anger

Anger can be positive! It is an “action” emotion, providing you the energy and drive to move forward in some direction. It tells you when something is wrong, and motivates you to pursue justice. When experiencing the roller coaster of emotions, you feel as you go through a divorce, Anger (if it could talk) may turn to Sadness and say, “You are not going to put our life on hold to feel sad. I’m taking over to make decisions and to get things done.” If anger is a natural feeling as a result of harmful actions by a partner, becoming aware of it is key so that you can learn to deal with it in an adaptive way. Here are two techniques to help you foster mindfulness and become aware of your anger:

1.  Make an inventory of your grudges

When you can self-reflect, identify and name your grudges, you are in a better position to work through them. Naming them is a powerful exercise. It gives you clarity and empowers you with personal understanding.

2.  Identify your anger triggers (automatic reactions)

It may be the sound of their voice, memories, or experiences related to your ex that produce automatic angry feelings in you. Name them to begin to understand and become aware of them.

The Negative Aspects of Anger

Anger is dealt with differently by everyone following a divorce. Some people wear it on their sleeve, and it takes up most of their conversation. Other people may suppress it, only for it to rear its head later in recovery, making it difficult for them to move on. Anger can become so deeply rooted that it becomes an automatic response. Through classical conditioning, for example, the sound of your partner’s voice, when associated with hurtful actions, may become a trigger for anger and fear. Here are four ways anger can have a negative impact:

1.  Keeping painful experiences alive

Sometimes anger feels difficult to contain, as, when the legal battle is prolonged. In case studies, 40% of women and 30% of men reported high levels of anger toward their exes ten years after the divorce.

2.  Your physical health and anger

Hostility relates to heart disease, premature death, and general physiological distress.

3.  Your mental health and anger

Depression is more likely in individuals who suffer high levels of hostility. One reason may be due to people replaying their mistreatment over and over again.

4.  Anger and Parenting

Co-parenting is extremely challenging when the divorce was full of acrimony. Parents are often unaware of how their anger is affecting their children. Children who feel caught in the middle between their divorcing parents can suffer deeply.

Bitterness and “Leftover Baggage.”

When you hang out in the feeling of anger for too long, it can rob you of a sense of peace and well-being, and from the ability to let go and move on to a happy, fulfilling life. Anger, hostility, and resentment can turn yours into a life of bitterness and leftover baggage; the sort of baggage you may carry from one relationship to the next. Holding onto anger hurts you more than the person with which you are angry. Respect your feelings of anger by learning how to process and manage them in a healthy way during your recovery from divorce. Getting counseling may help provide you with the tools you need to do just that.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.