Seeing the Signs: Death of a Marriage

Photograph by Matthew Henry

That girl with her dead eyes and her fake smile and her countless scars. ~ Unknown

When do you realize that the marriage is over? What are the signs and are they clear to you? Along the way, with the best of intentions, you decide there are things with which you can live. You tell yourself, “Nobody is perfect.” You then turn your focus to the children. They will help to fill the void in your heart, helping you to mask and defer your attention from your pain. At least for now.

Early Forecast – The Signs

It’s easier to look back after a marriage has ended and seen the red flags or tell-tell signs of a perfect storm. While in the marriage, it’s not so clear. You married for life, and you expected there would be some hard times. If abuse, neglect or betrayal occurs in the marriage, one can oddly begin to normalize the behavior. You hope it will end, or things will get better. A gradual tearing away at the marriage and your self-image begins. You tell yourself, “I will just focus on the children.”

Cloudy With a Chance of Rain

Suffering abuse, neglect or betrayal in a marriage is living in a constant state of disrespect. If it goes on for years, its effect can be devastating. When subjected to continual contempt and disdain, self-esteem plummets. In your subconscious mind, you begin to believe you don’t deserve respect and continue to tolerate the behavior. If there is any ego strength left at all, you may rise and cry out for respect from time to time. It often goes unanswered and eventually you give up. Again, you remind yourself, “I will just focus on the children.”

Temperatures Below Freezing

The children are now growing up and will soon leave the nest. This awareness can be very unsettling. How will I cope in this marriage when the children have gone? Do I even love my partner anymore? Sexual intimacy, if at all, has become a very detached experience, devoid of emotional connection. You are going through the motions of your life every day, numb. Then comes another instance of abuse – that old, familiar injury. Even for the continually disrespected, there comes a time when enough is enough. You say to yourself, “I will no longer just focus on the children.”

Death of a Marriage

I’ve had the experience of knowing many people who reprimand themselves for not seeing the signs earlier, or for not taking action to leave the marriage sooner than they did. Once the survivor of abuse gains clarity, there is a deep sense of shame and regret for allowing themselves to be treated that way for so long. Their self-esteem is low, but their intuition is speaking more loudly, You deserve better than this. You now begin to focus on yourself.

Brave Hearts. Honor your courage. Honor Your Knowing.