Sex, Shame, and the Unsuspecting Divorcee

Sex, shame, and curiosity are all tangled up in a divorcee’s new world.

During the turbulent time of a divorce, old conventional beliefs fly out the window. For a period, many adopt a rebellious stance toward the societal norms that governed their lives. They behave in ways that you might not expect. It’s a condition called anomie. Anomie was popularized by French sociologist Émile Durkheim in his influential book Suicide (1897).

The grieving process also factors in. Now you’re not only motivated to rebel, but to find distraction and comfort from your emotional pain. It makes me think of all the Hollywood movies interlinking unconventional sex with grieving a traumatic loss, such as Summer of ’42 (loss of her husband), and The Door in the Floor (loss of children).

Divorce, unrecognized for its complexity and the traumatic nature of the experience, is no different.

Curiosity About Sex

Divorce is starting over. A rebirth. You can feel an intense desire to explore your sexuality and learn who YOU are in this area of your life. It’s possible either you weren’t able to enjoy it in your marriage, you’ve only had sex with one partner (your spouse), or your sexuality felt repressed. There are SO many reasons to be curious about sex again. For a woman, exploring her sexuality after a divorce is full of taboos, judgments, stereotypes, and shaming from our culture.

The Role of Shame

The role of shame in our society is to manipulate or control behavior. Divorce is disapproved of by many and it is riddled with feelings of shame. Add in the cultural and moral judgments already imposed on women regarding their sexuality, and you’ve compounded the undercurrent of guilt women feel as they’re swept away by this new exploration of their sexual lives. In our modern times, society remains uncomfortable with female sexuality. Men do not suffer shame in the same circumstance.

Naive and Unsuspecting

If you were married a long time and you’re back out in the world, you can’t help but be naive. You’re not sure what the new rules are, what’s expected of you, or how to behave in the dating scene. You enter more trusting in the goodness of others. While exploring and trying new things is a good teacher, it’s important to understand that not everyone you meet has your best interests at heart.

Five Important Things to Consider When Exploring Your Sexuality:

1. Protect yourself physically. Get to know your partner. Protect yourself against sexual diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and unsafe encounters. It’s okay to ask important questions of your partner. You are used to the comfort of knowing your ex-spouse. Now you need to be vigilant about your safety.

2. Protect yourself emotionally. You always, always come first. Not the needs of someone else. If you feel emotionally compromised by involving yourself sexually with another partner, you can say no. You can stop. Divorce leaves you very vulnerable and emotionally raw. You don’t want to pour acid on your emotional wound because you feel you SHOULD say yes to sex.

3. Tell a trusted friend where you are and with whom. BE SAFE. Never go out with a stranger unless you feel you’ve screened them enough to feel okay about it. Then make sure you tell a friend their name, make of car, phone number, and where you’re going.

4. IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO. It’s okay to say no at any time when you don’t feel comfortable. Exploring your sexuality should stem from a healthy curiosity and always be coming from your approval to do so. Because you were married doesn’t mean you have to say yes to everything now. Nor does it say that you have to try everything.

5. If the four things above are taken care of, enjoy your journey. If you feel safe physically, emotionally and in control of your wants and needs, then enjoy this time of self-discovery. Sex is a natural human drive. It connects you to a vital, passionate, physical pleasure that is part of the human experience. You aren’t a “bad” person to want to explore during this time of your life.

When the fog of divorce clears, you’ll regain your ability to stand strong in yourself. You’ll become very intelligent in the new world that is your life. You will also have learned much about yourself and your sexuality. Both of which are essential to manifesting a happy and joyous life.