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Are you always looking for the next thing to make you happy? Does happiness seem to be just out of your reach?
What IS happiness anyway?
We’re fascinated by happiness. There are many books about it. Philosophers and poets write and dream of it. There are even documentaries researching who are the happiest people in the world, measured by a particular set of standards (researchers found it was the Danes). Frankly, there’s a lot of advice out there about how you can go about finding it.
Why does it remain so elusive for some of us? One, we go looking for it in all the wrong places. And, two, there’s a difference between trying to FEEL happy vs. BE happy.
Assumptions, expectations, and attachments
There’s an assumption that happiness is a destination. An end game. You expect that if you live your life a certain way, meet your goals, or do everything according to a defined plan, that you will eventually arrive at happiness. You make these assumptions about happiness, set expectations for when you’ll feel it, and attach to things (people, objects, and outcomes) you believe will bring it to you. WOW! You’ve just set yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
When you are in a state of feeling happy, you’re soon made aware of the transient nature of it, and you find yourself, once again, on a continual quest for more.
It might help to remember that happiness, just like any other emotion, is fluid and always changing. BUT, there’s a fundamental difference between trying to FEEL happy vs. BE happy. To feel happy is to be reactionary to life events. To be happy is proactive putting you in charge by taking actionable steps.
How can you stop chasing your happy, and instead start living it today?
If you want to be happy, there are certain behaviors you can incorporate to bring more feelings of happiness into your life each day. Let’s call them “Happy Behaviors.” You can start by attempting to:
- Rid yourself of assumptions, expectations, and attachments
- Take responsibility for your happiness
- Give and receive to/from freely
- Stop comparing yourself to others
- Be compassionate and nonjudgmental toward yourself or others
- Refuse to gossip and stir up negativity
- Honor your values
- Practice gratitude
- Allow time to dream and play
- Exercise healthy boundaries, and practice forgiveness & letting go of resentments
- Indulge your creative side
- Spend less time on Facebook and more time connecting to your world
- Turn off the news
- Get fresh air and sunshine
- Develop a global perspective on your life
One book I highly recommend to help you set up a foundation for living a happy life is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Make happiness a lifestyle
You can incorporate these happy behaviors into your way of life. It takes a willingness and commitment to change your old habits. Your ability to be successful will depend upon the quality of your thoughts, beliefs, behaviors and your overall approach to living.
Making these life changes can be more effective if you have assistance from a trained professional to help guide and make you accountable to make these changes.
Hi, my name is Jamie Daniel-Farrell. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Westlake Village, CA. Specializing in couples counseling and divorce recovery, I provide counseling services for individuals and couples who are motivated to create healthier, happier lives and relationships. If you're ready to break out of unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I would be happy to help! Please feel free to reach out or to call me at: