That First Crucial Decision You Make When Deciding to Divorce

Photograph by John Canelis

“Integrity is choosing your thoughts and actions based on values rather than personal gain.” ~ Unknown

When your marriage is over, and you go down the road toward divorce, you may become very reactionary – twisting in the wind, letting your emotions take you this way and that way. No matter how the marriage once looked, you now become two people you no longer recognize. You are trying to get the most aggressive attorney, vowing to take each other for all that you’ve got, putting your children in the middle and using them as pawns in what has become a costly game both personally and financially. You are laying the foundation for an acrimonious divorce. But do you understand what that means? Beyond what feels like satisfaction in “sweet revenge,” what is this behavior setting you up for in the long-term? There are many serious, long-term ramifications of choosing to have a contentious divorce. Here are a few that are worth consideration:

Your Mental, Emotional and Physical Health

Studies show how traumatic the divorce experience is. It is considered second, only to the death of a spouse or child. It is understandable that anger is born to mask feelings of incredible emotional pain. Adding contention, however, puts an unrelenting strain on an already fragile mental, emotional and physical house. Depression, anxiety, and anger can cause sleeplessness, high blood pressure and an impaired ability to focus and make sound judgments. Your immune system becomes significantly compromised, and you are prone to more illness.

Your Children’s Health and Well-Being

To appreciate how impactful divorce is on children, you must understand that a child’s well-being is based on security, safety, routine and predictability. When the family is going through a divorce, these pillars of their welfare are shaken. Acrimony and a “chess game” between their mother and father become the jackhammer to that foundation. You are teaching them that nothing is secure and safe, and that anger is a default coping skill to use in their lives. You need to get honest and ask yourself, is that what you want for them?

Your Financial Health

Choosing to ignore your better instincts, and instead of riding the wave of anger toward your ex-spouse jeopardizes your financial security. I read a quote from a man who felt wronged by his ex-spouse, was deeply hurt and in the process of divorce. He said, “I would rather give all my money to an attorney than let my wife have any of it.” People have been known to quit their jobs rather than pay alimony. Acrimony fuels attorney and court fees by the tens of thousands. It deprives one of the sound judgment to understand the importance of protecting their financial resources and providing for themselves and their children in the long-term.

Divorce is complicated with many functioning parts. You can pull yourself up and decide to have a divorce that is acted out with integrity. As a Divorce Coach, I help my clients lay a healthy foundation for this important transition in their lives. Our goal and priority are to set up a future of security and well-being for themselves and their children.

When you decide how to proceed with your divorce, understand that you will not feel angry and hurt forever. I know it’s hard to imagine, but you won’t. These painful feelings will pass, lose their fervor and hold over you. But the ramifications of how you handled yourself during the divorce can last a lifetime.

Brave hearts. Honor your courage. Honor your knowing.